“Napoleon”

5.1

Let me save you three hours of your life you can never get back. It’s… it’s bad.

For that runtime, it felt rushed, confusing, and in the end, lackluster. The battle scenes had hints of greatness, but were plagued with CGI that makes Marvel look masterful. And sex scenes that make “The Room” look romantic.

With the subtlety of a sledgehammer, let Ridley Scott drag you through a script of Napoleon’s life that feels like someone read the Amazon synopsis of a memoir, drag 6 Red Bulls, did a line of cocaine, and wrote in crayon before lighting the script on fire and just telling Joaquin Phoenix to “do Joker stuff” while dressed in a French military outfit.

Did that last paragraph not make sense? Well, you now know the feeling of leaving the theater after this one, but I saved you approximately 2 hours and 57 minutes of your life. You’re welcome.

P.S. The British had BOATS! So not fair!

P.P.S. The first word in the below trailer is “Long.” That sums it up pretty well. Freudian slip by the marketing department at Apple Studios.