Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare
Cinematic Sommelier
6.1
Uh… I’m still not sure what it is I just watched.
There was a werewolf, an angry for no reason sheriff deputy, and a senile sheriff. Past that, I couldn’t really tell you. I laughed at the pure absurdity a couple times, but left completely confused. Very well could be that I missed some deeper meaning here. If you are aware of this hidden pearl of knowledge, feel free to enlighten me.
6.8
Tempted to recommend this so someone else might be able to explain this one to me. A mix between “The Hangover” and “Fantasy Island.” I was completely confused and uncomfortable for the first two thirds of the runtime. Unfortunately, once things start to come together, it only gets worse. You kind of wish they wouldn’t have explained things. Overall, a solid thriller with terror mixed in. Definitely not what I would consider a traditional horror film. It’s more just an hour and a half of general discomfort with what you’re watching. Possible neck pain from having your head cocked saying “what the f**k?!?!” most of the runtime. Middle of the road. Two thumbs sideways.
6.9
“What are they going to do with us?” You don’t want to know.
Honestly, my first time seeing this was the hardest I’ve laughed in a theater. Take that as you may. The storytelling is razor sharp, the cinematography gorgeous, and the kills divine. I wouldn’t expect anything less from horror icon and auteur Eli Roth. His ode to the classic “Cannibal Holocaust.” I would say more well done, but that’s partly because it doesn’t push quite as many boundaries as the original. Still, definitely not for the faint of heart or children.
Lesson: Don’t try to save the rainforest, or a tribe of cannibalistic natives will kidnap you and do unspeakable things to you and your party. Al Gore would be proud. *Sarcasm*
6.3
Definitely not for the faint of heart. Those 6.3 points are purely for cojones, not necessarily for film quality. This one will also take a bit of digging to find, as it’s been banned a few times in different fashions. The predecessor of today’s “found footage” horror genre, this film follows a film crew to the edge of the civilized world, into the world of indigenous tribes who have never encountered outsiders. Absolute hilarity or horror ensues, depending on your sense of humor. Overall, these people somewhat deserve to die for their character flaws and the terrible things they do as the runtime unfolds. Italian filmmakers, what can you say? They like to push the envelope and play ball deep in left field.
The soundtrack is an absolute banger, and doesn’t match up with the onscreen content at all. This adds a well-earned sense of tension throughout, and helps keep the discomfort factor at an 11 at all times.
Content warnings: They gut a turtle on-screen. Great bodily harm occurs to pretty much everyone on screen at some point. Beware. As I said, not for the faint of heart, and definitely not for children.
5.1
The trailer had me excited… Got me to the drive-in… Only for the film to completely let me down.
Jump scares, woven into a story that leaves you more confused than anything else. Save yourself the hour and a half of your life.
Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare 