Category: Netflix

“Archive 81”

8.2

They had it… They freaking had it!!! Why does everything have to have franchise potential?!?!

The narrative momentum, the closure we all yearn for in conclusion, the goodwill we build as an audience interacting with these characters… all taken out back and shot. Can I hold a seance and time travel to a point in time where I forget how much I despise this ending?

Aside from the way they crash-landed the plane, this series was spectacular. The way it built tension, caused me to care about the characters, and kept me on the edge of my seat was everything I could have asked for in a Netflix series based on a podcast. Then it ended with me angrily yelling at my TV.

I filed this one alongside “Censor” and “Broadcast Signal Intrusion” as one of the best pieces of original horror/thriller material in the past two or three years. I’d take the “what the hell was that?!?” ending of “Censor” over this. They lost a full point based on the ending.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

6.5

Was this a confusing take on the franchise? Yes.

Was this the best “Texas Chainsaw” film? No.

Was this the worst “Texas Chainsaw” film? Also no.

As the credits roll, you realize that Netflix may have been out past its skis on this one. This one is towards the bottom in a sea of phenomenal horror reboots. And Netflix can handle making great horror films and series. That part puzzled me quite a bit. If you’re here for the story or to see the franchise branch out and bloom, you’re going to be disappointed. However, if you want to see Leatherface mow down a sea of hipsters threatening him with being canceled as they record their untimely demise on their smartphones, then this is the movie for you. By far some of the most violent and creative kills in the entire series. Following in the footsteps of the other recent horror reboots, this movie gets very creative in the death department.

If you can make it past the first 20-25 minutes of one of the more clunky liftoffs I’ve seen on the screen in a LONG time… You won’t hate it.

“The Goop Lab”

6.7

Yep, I got this bored. After what seemed like years on my watchlist, it was finally time. At least it explains where the “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle comes from. Goop Lab makes a lot more sense now. So get in touch with yourself, and get ready to cock your head and go “Hmm…” at least twice each episode. Who knew that Tony Stark’s wife had such a side hustle outside of running Stark Industries?

“Love Hard”

7.9

I think the lesson here is that people are shallow? But they also have heart when you emotionally kidnap them and break down their hard outer shell, and can learn their lesson and become fully functional humans after severe personal trauma.

The good old Netflix rom-com. You know you’re in for a solid hour and a half of heart and laughs. Not too deep, not too sweet, not too serious. Just right. In the end, I’m just glad to see that Jian Yang from “Silicon Valley” found love after shutting down his tech talent incubator in California and moving back in with his parents. (Really inside joke, I apologize)

“The Kissing Booth 3”

6.5

*steps onto soapbox*

My contempt for the second installment finally killed it. It completely murdered my love for this adorkable series. So much unnecessary drama, such an unoriginal story, such an out-of-date soundtrack, such poor decision-making on the part of Elle. They seriously try to retcon Noah as not being a complete asshole and worth choosing over Marco?!?! What the hell, Elle? You know what? I’m happy for Marco. He’s finally free of this stupidity. Go live your life, my man. Don’t you dare look back. These 3 (4 if you count Rachel) deserve each other’s misery. My lord… so much cringe. Burn the beach house down and salt the earth on which it stood. Sprinkle it with holy water. Please leave this as a trilogy. Instead of capturing lightning in a bottle, this series is like being struck by lightning three times in the same spot. I had to finish it, but my ride along the sunset coast ended with me pulling a Thelma and Louise into the Pacific to free myself from this crew as the credits began to roll.