“F9”

7.7

Cards on the table – I would have preferred 2 hours of Tyreese and Ludacris in Space Pontiac Fiero, just making quips and being badass.

I’m only rating it this highly because I knew what I was getting when I went in. The fact that this monstrosity is making the film festival circuit has to be mentioned in the book of Revelations somewhere.

Get ready for narrative whiplash worse than the characters would suffer if they had to obey the laws of physics. Vin Diesel is yet again the only person on the planet still taking these things serious, and decides to take you on a trip to sadsville every time things start to get fun. To the academy: don’t give him an Oscar. Don’t encourage him.

It’s a great action film, and pure spectacle. The “turn off your brain and watch the cars go boom” we’ve all come to expect. Try to forget he’s making a 10th one and decided to piss away all of the goodwill regarding a certain situation from Fast 7. I’m still shaking my head thinking about the decision to greenlight the storyline in this one.

Fasten your seatbelts, and get ready for another 2.5 hour globe-trotting superspy action film. Or, you know, go watch “Tokyo Drift” or something.