Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare
Cinematic Sommelier
5.0
Disappointed in EON Productions. (The production company behind the James Bond Franchise) Come on, guys! And Paramount should know better by now… Clunky, poorly directed action. Choppy at best story development. One dimensional characters throughout. What attempted to be a “strong woman gets destroyed and comes back to be the next Bryan Mills from ‘Taken'” lands somewhere between Mr. Bean and Frank from “Naked Gun.” Ouch… Blake Lively being cornered by a shark for 2 hours was worlds better.
7.5
He may only officially make a small cameo introducing a wedding speech, but this is a pure Michael Bay movie through and through. One last time… one last ride. Let’s roll! Get ready for this film to penetrate your soul. Explosions, Martin Lawrence and Will Smith playing their most stereotypical characters in a long time. Put some extra stank on Mike Laaawreyyy, and kick some ass with the old boys and new crew of tactical SWAT in the Miami PD? Vanessa Hudgens is bae. And hilarious. All in all, you get exactly what you expect, and it’s an extremely fun 2 hours at the cinema.
8.4
Damn!
“There’s fuckery afoot…”
The ensemble cast, the action, the story… bravo! This film explodes onto the screen, and doesn’t slow down until the credits roll. The entire cast is at the height of their powers along with director Guy Ritchie, who has one of the best eyes and touch for action directing in the business. Just the right mix of action, heart, drama, and comedy. Get ready to “I’m going to hell for laughing at this” for 2 hours, and love every minute of it.
7.3
Seriously?!?!?! That’s how we’re going to leave this thing?!?
Get ready to be genuinely unsettled for two hours, and be left hanging in the end (in my opinion). Just as intense and jarring as the trailer, just when you think you have this film figured out, it takes a turn and keeps you guessing and off balance. Checks so many boxes… Open ended, old lady warning of bad things while also creeping everyone out, jump scares, ghosts, and the little girl with an imaginary friend(s). Imaginary friends are never good news in these things. Solid directing. Builds tension better than most these days. Jump scares and the natural mystique of the scenery used cleverly and sparingly, making them all the more effective.
Seeing as this film is based off the same source material, I’m excited to see what’s in store for “Haunting of Hill House: Season 2.”
6.7
Well, the title isn’t a lie… it does happen underwater. Somewhat copying the themes of “The Meg,” the film follows a doomed crew of explorers who drilled too deep and unleashed something unintended. Calamity ensues. Kristen Stewart is in her underwear 79.8% of the run-time. TJ Miller provides much needed comic relief to a group of total Debbie Downers. Meh…
Part of me was thinking “did Fox just green-light every crazy project 2 years out from the merger with Disney? Just for laughs?”
