Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare
Cinematic Sommelier
6.2
Seeing as J Lo is making a comeback this week… “Anaconda.”
Were they really trying to riff on “Apocalypse Now?” Hahahahahahaha
If you’re looking for a ridiculous creature feature from the late 1990’s ripping off a horror classic, go watch “Deep Blue Sea.”
Honestly, almost everything was a miss for me on this one. The cast, the plot, the execution. It worked well as a comedy, but I don’t think that’s what anyone was aiming for.
6.9
If you enjoyed the first one, you’ll enjoy this one.
They borrow an awful lot here… and still manage to crank up the “meh” factor. The “is this the real world or a trap/dream” that Wes Craven perfected with “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” The traps of “Saw.” The “oh no, it’s not really the end” ending that EVERY HORROR MOVIE attempts, but “Ghost Ship” probably perfected. The biggest thing for me was that I did not care about any of these characters… It’s similar to “Saw.” You don’t really care that they die, only that their death is cool.
For your enjoyment, I’ve included some of my favorite non-endings in horror. Let me know if I’ve missed some.
6.4
I feel like I aged 57 years watching this movie, so it was a fitting storyline…
The cinematography is gorgeous. The story has such potential. That being said, you’ll be rolling your eyes by the third act. It’s the ending. AGAIN! There doesn’t need to be a life-altering twist at the end. Every time. Another swing for the fences, another pop-fly caught for an unexciting out. I didn’t want to attend a 2-hour medical ethics lecture, movie! And anyone who thought this beach wasn’t going to have weird things happen is insane and deserves everything that happens to them.
Annoying characters, predictable story, and an ending that will leave you rolling your eyes.
8.2
These types of films are becoming their own genre, and I am here for it. The “Stranger Things”/”Wet Hot American Summer” nostalgia-soaked adventure through well-established genres. In this case, classic horror slashers. From “Friday the 13th” camp, to the Salem witch trials, to the Stephen King “It” style adventure tying it all together.
The script was razor-sharp, the cinematography was gorgeous, and the soundtrack was everything you could ever dream of shoe-horning into this trilogy that serves as a masterclass in constructing a horror saga. There was an almost perfect balance between nostalgia and new-newness struck in these films. Characters you grow to genuinely care about by the time they have their final showdown between good and evil in the neon-soaked mall that serves as the site that ties it all together. Literally, the crossroads of the mall serves as the singular geographical point in all three generations where these stories come together.
I waited until all three were out, so I could binge them back to back. I do, however, appreciate that these streaming services have kept alive these cinematic events that can bring us all together to watch the same thing at the same time and have this kind of shared experience. They also inspired me to go on an 80’s slasher marathon this weekend, which was an added benefit.
Of note, this series was much more violent and gore-filled than I had anticipated. Not for those with weak stomachs or a general aversion to these types of content. And of course, there has to be sex before the teenagers get picked off by a masked killer with a hardware store weapon, witch, or possessed beat friend—highly recommended popcorn flicks.
8.7
Get ready to cry…
The dark side of fame, the darkness within ourselves, the darkness of society. Juxtaposed with the beauty of being able to touch so many lives, the light within us all, and the beauty in the imperfection of a world made of imperfect people. Dive in, and immerse yourself in a brutally honest tale of a vagabond who allowed us all to live vicariously through him.
Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare 