Brett Garten, Movie Extraordinare

6.1

Jared Leto… Why do we keep letting him do this? Of course, it was Sony letting him crap all over a Marvel offshoot, but still. After his caricature act in “House of Gucci,” I thought we were putting him in time out. I guess I thought wrong. Tyrese is the best actor in this… Tyrese… From the “Fast and the Furious” franchise.

This film is a hot mess. Unfortunately, similar to the Venom films, they still can’t figure out what they want to do, so they just sling a bunch of things at the screen and hope something sticks, only to allow things to become overly-complicated blobs of mediocrity. Which, coincidently, is also a solid explanation of the CGI in these films. It’s an unfortunate combination of everything that people tend to hate about superhero movies, cranked to eleven.

Please… Just sell the rights to Marvel Studios and let them handle it. Please.

7.8

When strange things happen in your camp, blame the Christians. Because “their god is a corpse nailed to a tree,” so they can’t be trusted. Odin is the only deity to be trusted in these parts.

This was a wild two-and-a-half-hour ride. Somewhere between “Gladiator” and “The Witch,” this film combines gorgeous landscape shots with action portrayed in such complete darkness you’ll swear that you are watching “The Batman.”

Luckily, after our hero repeatedly gets his ass kicked, Ana Taylor-Joy is there with her magical healing powers to nurse him back to health. After the throat-singing prophet in the cave took some hallucinogens and foretold a great journey for him in the form of a riddle.

If you’re looking for a tale of revenge, I’d probably go for “John Wick,” seeing as it’s a tad shorter and more exciting. However, if you’re looking for a shining example of playing the long con this side of “Gladiator,” look no further. It doubles as motivation to do 300 sit-ups when you get home. This guy’s 8-pack is impressive. I’d suggest doing the sit-ups to the soundtrack. It’s non-stop hype music.